I am a tv junkie. Well actually that is the wrong term for it. I love tv drama series. Throw in some comedy here and there but really I live for the drama. And for some reason the shows I tend to watch pull at your hearts strings.
Lately, I have not been doing well. There I said it. It was all triggered a couple of weeks ago and since then nothing seems to be going right. My mind is in a million places at once, not doing well with the stress I experience at work and school because obviously it all falls into the same time.
To distract myself I was watching my tv shows this week and like it was planned two of them, completely unrelated shows, each send a message that work so well together. The first one send the message that no matter how strong you think you have to be, it is okay to fall apart and it is even needed to put yourself back together. The second show was focused around reaching out to the people close to you, to let them fix your heart because it is so much easier together.
Now if you are like me, these two things are probably two of the hardest things you could do. I always think of myself as a very strong person, that is the rock for the people I care about, the person who always has an ear for others and puts other people’s needs above their own. The person that never wants to disappoint someone else, whether that is a teacher at school, a colleague or boss at work or a loved one by giving off the feeling you aren’t there for them.
I do not reach out for help. Ever. Me telling someone I can’t meet a deadline or I can’t get something done is huge and usually signals that I am not well although I don’t actually say it. My mind can go to the darkest places and I would still make sure that everyone else around me is happy.
And then I break. Often there is a physical trigger like a headache that just leaves me vulnerable. It takes conversations with people I trust that are started by them in a way for me to admit that I am not okay, that I am not coping well. And even then I feel ashamed and like I am weak. And really, aren’t those the false thoughts depression puts in our mind?
But your needs matter. Your well-being matters. Maybe I am telling you this as a way of telling myself because I know that it doesn’t make me weak and the people that care about me won’t think less of me because of it. I am slowly learning that it is okay to fall apart sometimes, and it is okay to reach out for help and it is okay to let the people I love help me fix my heart.
So let’s make a deal: together we will be better at it. Together we will try to put ourselves first, we will let ourselves feel whatever we need to feel but even more importantly: we will reach out for help and we will let others help fix our hearts.
And if you ever feel like you cannot reach out to the people close to you, then reach out to us here at IMAlive. Start a chat now.