I still remember my lowest day, the day I felt like things were never going to get better, the day I felt like giving it all up, the day I was so filled with emotion that all I could do was lay in bed and cry…and if I’m being honest with you (and myself), it lasted longer than a day or two. It was weeks of feeling like I would never be my bubbly, happy self, that I would never smile without forcing it, that I would never have interest in the things that made me happy and fulfilled me. When I think back to those days, my heart hurts. I still yearn to find understanding in why I felt so completely hopeless and alone when everything in my life was continuing the same around me. There were no losses, no extra stress. I just woke up one morning and I wasn’t the person I was the day before.
I questioned if I was ever the person I thought I was, if everything I’ve been and done in the past was an illusion, an act, and started to believe the thoughts and feelings I was having was my identity. That who I was at the core was someone having no energy, motivation or hope.
Each day I woke up, I was sad to be living another day, trapped in a mind and body that were constantly working against me. I would have a brief moment of relief, laughter, or fun and feel like after that I was being sucked down even further into the enemy that was my brain.
When I think back to that time, I honestly can’t imagine feeling that way now. I can’t imagine the constant weight of feeling like I wasn’t supposed to be here, the never ending battle with my mind, and the tears that never seemed to take a break, no matter where I was or what I was doing. Through this experience, I learned that sometimes our brains work against us; sometimes everything can be going right and we can still feel hopeless. Sometimes we can’t pinpoint why we feel so empty, and that is ok. Sometimes the emotions are so intense and vivid, that with every power in our being, we can’t imagine feeling even 1% better.
What I want to share with you, your friends, your loved ones, anybody in the world who has felt this way is – it will get better. And yes, people told me that during my lowest point and I rolled my eyes in disbelief because I never imagined a world in which I would wake up and not experience those intense emotions. And to continue with my honesty, I can’t remember when it happened. I don’t remember the day I woke up and things were magically better. I don’t remember a sudden change and poof! things were back to normal.
However, what is important is that the intense feelings and emotions that were so constant and debilitating did not last forever. Gradually things got better, my brain slowly stopped working against me and I started to realize not everything was as bad as it once seemed. I started to have random thoughts when my eyes opened in the morning, not painful and scary ones. I started to smile at the silliest of things and things I couldn’t look at without crying when I was in the depths of it. When I look back to that time, I wish I had been easier on myself. I wish I had known I would not have felt that way forever. I wish I had known how temporary those extreme feelings were because in the moment I felt like I was drowning.
So on the day you think it will never get better, take it from somebody who has been there – IT WILL! And it might not be overnight or it might not be as soon as you had hoped, but eventually, the pain will lessen even just the littlest bit.
Remember that even when you’re feeling like it won’t get better, there are people who are feeling that pain, or who have been there and can relate. Remember that no matter what your brain and thoughts tell you, you matter much more than you know, and things will become better, even if you can’t imagine it at this very moment.